My husband prefers porn to being with me

Dear Pastor,

My husband and I have been together since 2014, but we got married in 2017. We have one child.

He is a consultant doctor and I am a chartered accountant. We were best friends - sharing everything, including ideas, dreams and fears. We did not always agree on everything, but we were always able to discuss it and come out with the best possible option; and we flourished. However, there has always been a lack of intimacy. We used to go months without sex.

This bothered me greatly and I brought it to his attention multiple times. He agreed that it was not good, but he did not like to initiate sex. I told him that I would prefer if he did, as that would make me feel desired and loved. We used to have sex after having these talks with the promise to work on it, but I had to bring it back to his attention repeatedly or do the initiation. But I have caught him on numerous occasions watching porn, even on his company's laptop. He promised to stop. I have not seen him visiting the hardcore porn sites, but I suspect that he is only covering his tracks more carefully now.

Here are some of the situations I have caught him in. One day I caught him at the table texting. He was startled and tried to hide the phone. We physically fought for the phone and when I got it, I saw that he was sending sexual texts to two different females. I called them both. One said that they were not together yet, but it was getting there. The other was very 'facety' and did not deny their relationship. However, he took the phone and cut the call. He denied any relationship with either woman and said that his sole purpose was to show me how easy it was to get these females. I asked him why he thought that I would be interested in knowing that. I gave him the cold treatment for a while, but I talked to an elderly couple and they helped us to patch things up.

However, this incident has always been on my mind, so I started to secretly search his phone and belongings. There have been numerous questionable situations, and there is always a denial and a lame explanation. On another occasion, while getting ready to catch a flight, he was in the bathroom for a long time. So I went in there, just in time to see him with his phone masturbating. He denied looking at anyone on the phone, but admitted that he felt aroused when he shaved and saw himself. Again, he apologised.

Earlier this year, he bought a wedding band for me. I was happy, but I saw the receipt. Our finances are shared, as all our accounts and credit cards are jointly owned. There were two warranties for two separate items - the ring and an 18-inch gold necklace with diamond pendant. Shocked, he grabbed the receipt and said that I should not have seen that. I asked about the necklace. He denied buying it and said the salesman gave him a discount. I had my sister call the store, with the info from the documents, and the gentleman confirmed the two items that were bought.

Now my husband is always worried about money and asking me to withdraw some. I searched his bag and found J$80,000 and US$1,300 hidden in a compartment. He said that I should look at it as 'rainy day money'. We had long agreed that there would be no hidden accounts. So I asked, "How now are you having secret rainy day money?"

Pastor, I feel frustrated and I know he is being manipulative, as he will twist everything around and not answer any question directly. For example, I have asked how he proposes that we carry on, because this is too much for me. His replies include, "I cannot live without you, but you can do what you want if it makes you happy." I asked that we sit with a counsellor, but he said no, because no counsellor will be able to look in his head and tell him what is going on. I told him that it is over. He said I should not be foolish and spoil a good thing, and I should just live. I cannot 'just live', Pastor. I like a healthy degree of stability and certainty.

Am I making the correct decision?

H.

Dear H.,

You have tried to pour out your heart in this letter. I must be very frank with you - your husband does not want you.

But he is with you because you are a great financial help to him. He is not enjoying having sex with you; he is happier masturbating. If he wanted the marriage to continue, he would have agreed for both of you to go to professional counselling, but he is not into that.

I have to tell you the absolute truth. I suggest that you call an attorney and ask for an appointment to see him or her. You have to prepare to end this marriage. But you must speak to an attorney who would counsel you on the way forward. I shall be praying for you.

Pastor